Our ever-changing life

2012-02-17T10:22:00.000-06:00

I went back to the oral surgeon yesterday to see how I'm progressing after the procedure last weekend. He said it will take about 3 weeks to get to my full potential, so that was good to know. I was worried that it didn't work, because I still have some aching, don't have the full strength and still can't open wide. He gave me some PT to do and said that if it's not where he wants it next week when I go back, that he will send me to someone that does PT for TMJ. He basically told me "No Pain, No Gain". Grrrr..

On another note, after almost a year and half of not having a cycle, it looks like it's back. It was my Valentine's present this year. I have mixed emotions about it... On the positive side, my body needs it to flush me out, since I still have recurring issues after the chemo messed me up so bad last year. On the negative side, it sucks having to go back to dealing with all that.

Speaking of Valentine's Day, I did actually get asked out to dinner with a friend, that turned out to be a really nice evening. We got semi-dressed up and went out after I took the kids home. We went to an old Mexican restaurant downtown called Jacala. The family of the chick that killed Selena owns it, so that was kind of weird, but the food was really good.

2012-02-13T13:02:00.000-06:00

Well, the procedure went well last week. I still have exercises to do daily to try to get the jaw worked back out to it's capacity, but it's definitely better. I'll go back on Thursday for him to see how it looks and find out where we go from here. He also gave me a steroid shot in the neck to help with the pain from the scar tissue, and boy did that help. He knocked me out for the procedure, and I am so glad he did. I went home and crashed for a couple of hours. woke up long enough to eat some mashed potatoes and ice cream and go back to bed for the night. Woke up Friday morning and barely felt any pain. The site itself is still tender to touch, but I didn't bruise or swell or anything. Love my doctors!

2012-02-08T16:38:00.000-06:00

I'm going in tomorrow to try to get my jaw unlocked. I have been having problems since right after Christmas with pain in my jaw and the inability to open it very wide. I finally went and had it checked, realizing that it wasn't getting better, and if anything, it was getting worse. I went to an oral surgeon and had an MRI done of my jaw. Come to find out it is locked in a closed position on the right side, limiting my range of motion. I am basically bone on bone / bone on nerve on the right side. I will go in tomorrow and they will knock my butt out and inject two needles into the side of my face to flush out the socket where the disc should be, and hope that it will fall back into place. He will manipulate my jaw afterwards while I am still knocked out and try to get it back in motion again. I'll then have to do exercises daily to work it out. Not looking for that part one little bit. Hopefully this will fix my problem and I won't have to get cut open to have it fixed. While I am under, he's also going to inject my neck with steroids to hopefully alleviate some of the pain I am having from the scar tissue after the surgery to remove the tumor. It's never ending... but I'M STILL CANCER FREE! Almost a year now. Woo Hoo!

2012-01-27T07:38:00.000-06:00

It's been way too long since I have posted an update, so I thought I would try to catch up a little...

I had another scan at the beginning of the month and I am still CANCER FREE! I had a little scare though, as there was a lymph node that had doubled in size since my last scan and they weren't sure what the deal was, so to be 100% sure that it was nothing, I had a fine needle biopsy done on it. That was scary in itself, as it was in a really tight spot and they had to go around my main jugular in my neck to get to it. So, I had to lie there on the table and not swallow while he went in to get 3 samples. It was all worth it though .. it was clean.

I have a new issue though, but I'm getting it taken care of. I had TMJ issues before the cancer, and I guess with all the trauma my jaw has gone through has brought on a new issue. My jaw on the right side (where the cancer was) appears to be locked in a closed position. Now, that's not as bad as it sounds. It's not completely closed, I just can't open it more than half of it's potential to open. I am going in today to have an MRI done, so that they can get a better look at the socket to see what's going on. If it's what they think it is, then it's a simple procedure that they can do in the office. They go in with two needles in front of my ear, and flush out the socket so that the "cushion" that belongs in there will go back into place. Right now, it appears that it has shifted out of place and so now I am bone on bone or bone on nerve. What does that mean? Alot of pain!!! I spent all day Sunday on the couch with a heating pad on my jaw and alternated Tylenol and Motrin ALL DAY, with not much relief. I was terrified that my jaw was damaged from all the radiation, so it was a relief to find out that it is still in good shape, just needs a little tune up.

On another note, my eyelashes have fallen out yet again. This is the third time since my chemo last year. Thank God there are still some there, they are just scarce and short.

Aside from all of that, I feel GREAT. My hair is growing back nicely, my appetite is great (unfortunately :-( .. I've gained about 10 pounds just since I started working at Blackbrush), I sleep great and I'm happy with life.

On the family side of things .. The kids are doing great. Max and Emmy are both straight A students, adjusting to the whole separation thing and enjoying time with their friends. Max is doing karate and has made it up to his first orange stripe. He's still bouncing all around, and needs to focus better. Emmy is still Emmy. She rules the roost to say the least, but she is one smart cookie. She is constantly battling with Max to prove that she is smarter. Jess has made it through her first semester in college with a 3.25 GPA. Yay!!! She's now trying to figure out if she will go to Hardin Simmons up in Abilene or go to Wisconsin with her dad and go to school up there and use his GI bill. Still alot to figure out, but she's working it. Mike and I have finally agreed that it is over and have started the process of the divorce. It's a hard decision for both of us, but it's what I feel is best for us all. I know everyone worried about what it would do to the kids, but they are doing just fine. Mike is an awesome dad to them, and has done a great job keeping the household going. He has the help of his mom and brothers, so that's been what has helped them stay grounded.

Me? Well, I'm hanging in there. I won't lie to you .. I have good days and bad days .. but mostly good. I've made a ton of new friends up at work, and actually go out once in a while with them all to just hang out and laugh a bunch. I miss my old neighborhood "girls", but it's so hard with all of our schedules and me not being right there to see them at the bus stop or after school like we used to do. I still talk to a handful of them periodically, which I always enjoy doing.

I'll try to write more later, but right now, I've gotta finish getting ready for work and get on with my weekend with the kiddos.

2011-09-29T16:55:00.000-05:00

More good news... I went to my doctor today for my actual check-up and update on my scan. I was told that the spots they were watching from my last scan have improved and some are no longer even there. You have no idea how awesome it was to hear those words.

2011-09-27T16:50:00.002-05:00

Got a call from my doctor today and my heart just sunk when I saw his name pop up on my screen. Thought he wouldn't be calling me about my results unless something was wrong. GOOD NEWS! It's all clear. I'll get more information on Thursday at my check-up, but I wanted to let everyone in on the joy. Thanks angels!

2011-09-25T16:15:00.000-05:00

Let me start off off by telling those of you that follow me on here, that I have de-activated by Facebook account for a while. I didn't want anyone to think that I de-friended them or anything. It's just too much nonsense lately, and too time consuming. You can still reach me on my email at kmireles_1967@yahoo.com.

On another note .. tomorrow is my Pet Scan. I've been a mess for the past week, and couldn't figure out what my problem was. I think I figured it out. I think it's just the anxiety of knowing that this particular scan last year is what showed me that the cancer came back. The good news is that I'm not feeling any lumps or pain anywhere new, so I am hoping that is a good sign. I find out on Thursday what my destiny is. I was scared as all get out last night, but a friend of mine talked me through it and re-assured me that I am strong. That I have done this twice already, I can do it again if it comes down to it. It's not gonna come down to that though. I'm gonna' think positive and it's not back! Right? Right dammit! Thanks to my angel last night, I'm ready to take on the week.

My daily life after chemo and radiation..

2011-09-05T11:24:00.002-05:00

I forgot to go into what I deal with every day as a result of all of the chemo and radiation and surgery. Don't get me wrong.. I'm so thankful for where I am in all of this, because I know it could have been a whole lot worse, and that there are a lot of people out there in worse conditions than I am. But, I wanted to document the side-effects I deal with.

My mouth still doesn't produce enough saliva, so it stays very dry. I still have soars in my mouth, and it burns when I brush my teeth. I know I need to go to the dentist and have them check everything out, but I don't have dental insurance or the money right now, and I know it's going to be expensive because my gums are in such bad shape. All I can do at this point is drink plenty of water, and keep my mouth as clean as I can.

The right side of my jaw and my right ear still don't have any feeling. I'm not sure if or when that will ever come back. You know what though, I really don't care if it does or not. It's there and my nerves are all in good shape, so that's good enough for me.

Although the tests all show my hearing is fine, except for some slight loss in the high pitched sounds, I still find that I have a hard time hearing, unless I'm standing right in front of you and looking at you talk to me. I feel horrible, because I'm always asking people to repeat things to me. The problem is that my ear doesn't produce wax anymore, so it stays pretty dry and I don't feel like the opening to my eardrum is very open, so it just seems like it's a combination. That may eventually all change, and the doctor's don't seem too concerned. This too can be lived with as far as I am concerned.

My neck on the right side where the surgery was, is very tender to the touch and I have to watch the way I hold my head and turn my neck. I've learned what I can and can't do, and I still try to work it to get my nerves and tendons stretched back again. Not to mention it still itches, which I am assuming means it is still healing after almost 2 years.

I have trouble opening my mouth wide to eat things like a hamburger or something where I have to open my mouth wide, but I have also learned how to eat things and stretch those muscles out as well.

My chin hurts like it is bruised from the radiation that I had this last time.

It's all just a matter of time and patience to get me through this every day. Some days are better than others both physically and emotionally. The emotional part is the hardest sometimes. I try not to worry about it, but it's hard sometimes not to. Every time I feel a new pain or ache, I worry if it is coming back again. And if it does come back again, what are my chances of beating it again. And with my percentages being so high in coming back within the first two years, at what point does it just say "this chick's not gonna' give, so let's move on?" Nobody knows, so I will just deal with whatever is handed to me. Life goes on and I plan on enjoying it as much as I can.

Status Update - September 4th

2011-09-04T13:37:00.002-05:00

It's been entirely too long since I've updated anything on here, and I have so much that I need to get out.

1. I made one of the very hardest decisions of my life about 5 months ago (and I have definitely had my share of hard decisions). After getting back from an amazing week in April on a cruise with Jess, I told Mike that I wasn't happy and wanted to move out. It took a couple of months to get things going, but in June, Jess and I moved into an apartment together. I decided it was in the best interest of the kids to let them stay in their home, where their friends are, and their school is, and let Mike have the primary custody for now. I still get to see the kids twice during the week and every other weekend. They seem to be adjusting well to the change, as I hoped they would. I figured that if they could get through the last year and a half, then they could survive anything.

2. Last month I also left the job I've been working at for the past 4 years to go to a full time job with benefits. As much as I hated leaving Greg and the job that I loved, I had to do it in order to survive. I was unable to secure a health insurance policy on my own with my cancer history, and wouldn't be able to until I was 5 years cancer free. This is one of the big resentments I have towards Mike, that I don't know if I can ever get over. He had a perfectly good job with a steady income and benefits, and he left it when I needed it the most because he wasn't happy. He wanted me to leave the job that I loved, to get a job with benefits, so he could be happy irregardless of how I felt. I know I was selfish for not wanting to, but I'm glad I didn't do it. Greg was such an amazing supporter to me through my battle, and allowed me the flexibility to be "sick". Then on top of it all, he gave me a cruise after I recovered, as a gift to me. How many places could I have gone to work at, would have given me the flexibility that I needed?

3. My new job is working out much better than I thought it would. I'm working for an oil and gas company right here in Stone Oak as an Accounts Payable Clerk. The people that I am working with are all amazing and have made this hard transition so much easier to do. I already know several of the people that I work with, because they are one of Greg's clients. I got a call one day from one of the president's asking me if I would be interested in coming in for an interview. I figured it wouldn't hurt, so I did. When they made me the offer, I had to take it. It's an opportunity for me to stand on my own two feet again and figure out who I am and what I want to do when I grow up.

4. Jess decided to stay here in San Antonio for her first year of college and go to SAC to get her basics out of the way. I just couldn't get the financing going for Texas Tech, and didn't have the money to make it work without that financial support. I'll admit that in a selfish kind of way I'm glad she is here with me.

5. I still have my monthly check-ups with my main oncologist, and my scans every three months. I just had my monthly check-up last week and everything is still feeling good. Yeah! I go in for my next PT Scan at the end of the month, and I pray regularly that this damn cancer doesn't come back again. It's something I fear every day, but I try hard to not let it consume me.

6. I haven't had a "cycle" since October of last year, but started having a little spotting. I went to my GYN to find out what the dealio was and have gone through a few different tests over the past month. He has done a physical exam, a sonogram, blood tests, a hysteroscopy (where he went in to look at my uterus with a scope) and a DNC. I go in next Friday to find out what all he actually found, but I do know that what he did remove was benign. Now we just need to figure out if I am going through menopause early, or if something else is going on. Personally, I have no symptoms of menopause, so I'm not sure what is causing the spotting and the thickened uterus wall.

7. I'm not going to lie and tell you that everything is wonderful. It's been extremely hard. I've been struggling with money, have been extremely lonely and miss the old neighborhood and my friends. I talk to a few of them now and then, but it's just not the same being outside of the island. I have enjoyed having a much smaller place to keep up with and having quiet time to myself. I've finally watched tv shows and movies that I have wanted to see, uninterrupted. I'm learning to not constantly have to be doing something, and it really is nice.

8. I'm a true believer that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. We may not ever know the reason, but there IS a reason. I am trying very hard to simply live my life just one day at a time. Some days are harder than others, but I get through them and start fresh the next day.

I know a lot of people can't understand how I could leave my husband and children like I did. But I didn't leave the kids. I just didn't want to live in a loveless marriage where we were either fighting or just not talking anymore. I'm still here for the kids and will always be here for them. I just feel that I am doing what is best for them in the long run. So for those of you that don't understand, I'm sorry. Until you can walk in someone else's shoes, you will never be able to understand the walk that person is taking. There are days that I don't even understand it, so I can't possibly explain it. You have to just accept it, respect it and be there for that person no matter what. For those of you that have stood by me, THANK YOU! I couldn't have done it with you (and "you" know who you are).

I'll try to update some more again soon, and not wait so long in between. Don't give up on me.

2011-03-21T19:33:00.001-05:00

I know it's been a while since my last update, so I'm going to try to get you all updated on what's been going on.

I was doing well, and actually started back to the gym and made it one day. After I finished my radiation treatments, I ended up getting a cold and a yucky cough. Then the sores started in my mouth. By the time I went in to see my main oncologist for my check-up, the cough was all in my chest. He said everything looked good on his end, but suggested that I go see my chemo oncologist and get my blood levels checked. Come to find out my white blood count was way down. They gave me a shot to boost my white blood count, an iv antibiotic, and a bag of fluids. She also gave me a drug to help with my mouth sores, which actually ended up being a yeast infection from my mouth being so dry. I've been living on pasta, bagels, yogurt and water for the past 2 weeks. The sores are getting better, but they are still there. No chocolate, No Spicy Stuff, No soda... Nothing good! ...

I go in on Friday to have my first post treatment CT Scan. I'll get the results next Thursday as to how the bones are healing and will hopefully have good news that I won't have to have anything done to fix them.

Oh, and did I mention I'm going on a cruise? (just kidding)...

I'll try to do better at updating next week when I get my results on everything.

2011-02-28T16:35:00.000-06:00

This Thursday will be 4 weeks since I finished my chemo and today I started the radiation. It's only 5 days total, but each session lasts much longer than last time and is much more uncomfortable. Today's session took almost 2 hours because they kept having problems getting it to line up properly, then I had problems with the mask hurting my forehead so, we had to stop and try to fix it. Most uncomfortable to lie on a table for that long. Good thing I'm not claustrophobic. On a positive note, I'm 5 pounds down and I can definitely tell inches down as well. The muffin-top is shrinking! I get my next scan at the end of March to hopefully tell me the tumor is completely gone, and hopefully I won't have any problems with my jaw after the radiation.

2011-02-21T19:37:00.000-06:00

So, I'm off most of the drugs now, except for the bladder medicine and my happy pills. No more pain pills and no more being doped up. I'm also starting to get back into exercising and eating better.

My boss gave me a cruise for part of my bonus for last year, so Jess and I are heading out on a last hoorah before she heads off to adult-hood on April 16th for a 6 day/5 night cruise to Cozumel. If I'm gonna be on a cruise on less than 2 months, I've gotta get this flabby body firmed back up. Jess and I started up tonight with a 3 mile walk around the neighborhood with Luke. Now that's a workout!

2011-02-16T20:28:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow will be two weeks post Chemo. I'm finally starting to feel some relief from my bladder inflammation. I go in tomorrow for my third dose of the medicine that helps coat my bladder. It's not fun to endure, but it is obviously working. I quit taking my other side effect drugs, and I think that's part of my feeling better too.

I'm still waiting to hear from my radiation doctor to find out when I start my radiation. I just want it done with and move on cancer free!

On another note.. I received a special bonus from my boss for last year. He is sending Jess and I on a cruise for our last hoorah before she heads off to college. We will have almost a week together in April down in Mexico. Needless to say we are excited. I guess I need to get my butt back to the gym and start getting ready for the ole' swimsuit. Ugh... Do you have any idea how flabby you get in a year and a half? Its not pretty.

What Cancer Cannot Do...

2011-02-10T15:14:00.000-06:00

Cancer is so limited
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

-- Anonymous

2011-02-10T14:09:00.001-06:00

One week post Chemo! No word on when I start radiation, but in a way that's good cause I'm still dealing with the bladder inflammation. I go in weekly for an injection of medicine through a tube into my bladder which I have to try to hold in for two hours. I made it an hour today. It was so painful. I came home and took the heaviest drug I had and crashed. I have four more of these boogers to go. There is still a lot of blood in the urine. I still have days that are really painful, and oher days that are easy. The nurse gave me a list today with the food and drinks that are irritants to the bladder. I can have water and pasta. Yeah!

The good news is that I am backing off some of the drugs that I've been taking to help the side effects I had from the Chemo. Since I'm not on Chemo any more, I hopefully dont need them anymore. The main one I want to get rid of is the claratin d because it raises my blood pressure and gives me the shakes.

2011-02-06T10:02:00.000-06:00

Well, I finished my Chemo last week. 12 rounds all together! My pet scan shows that there are no signs of that nasty shit in there and I'm praying hard that it doesn't come back again. My mind and body can only take so much more. I will still need to do some radiation over the next month, but it will only last a week and a half total. I'm hoping over this next week or so that I can slowly back off all the drugs I was taking for the Chemo side effects and started feeling some normalcy.

The bladder issue I have been dealing is still alive and kicking, but I do feel it's getting better. I still have to go often, and still have to go urgently, and the pain isn't near as bad. I still have to take drugs for that for the next five weeks, and I still have to go to the doctor weekly for an injection of the medicine directly into my bladder. That part sucks, cause I have to leave it in there for two hours. Excruciating!

I'm still exhausted and don't have much oomph to do much, but I'm trying to get up and do a little here and there. Mikes been a huge help taking care of everything. I'm afraid it's time to get back to some reality though. He needs to start traveling for work, so I'll need to get my butt in gear. Fortunately I have jess here to help me out and my friends and Louise are right here too if I need them. I haven't been to work in at least two weeks, so that ought to be interesting to see what's waiting there for me when I get back.

2011-01-28T17:08:00.000-06:00

To make a shitty week shittier, my dad is now in the hospital with a clogged intestines. They are trying to clear it on it's own but if it's no better tomorrow, they are going to have to surgically clear it. I hate that I can't be there for him. With all the drugs I'm on, I am unable to drive. He'd already been battling a bad sinus infection, now this. Poor guy! He's in my thoughts and prayers for a quick recovery.

2011-01-28T17:02:00.000-06:00

It's been a rough week to say the least. I had a Scope put in my bladder to see what they could find to be the cause of my pain and blood. Since it was all enflamed in there, he decided to do a CT Scan. The scan was clean, which was good news. On Wednesday, I had a biopsy done of my bladder. I will get the results on Tuesday when I go hack to see the urologist. I'm on so many different pain meds right now, so I'm feeling good. I had my 11th Chemo yesterday, so only one more to go. Then this morning was a PET Scan to see the prognosis on my tumors in my jaw and chin. I'll get the results from that next Thursday before my LAST Chemo.

Most of my side effects are controlled by drugs, but each drug brings another effect. Hopefully I can get off a bunch of these in the next couple of weeks.

Side effects:
Reflux (controlled by Nexium and Zantac)
Itchy hands and body (claratin D)
Raised blood pressure and the shakes from the Claratin
Antibiotics for about a month for what we thought was a UTI /bladder infection
Acidophilus to help counteract the antibiotics
Lexapro for anxiety
Fentanyl patch for chronic pain in my bladder
Ativan as needed to help me relax
Valium as needed To help m relax
Vicadin for the pain, but it's a heavy dose and knocks me out

Good shit!

2011-01-23T14:40:00.000-06:00

It's been a tough week this week. I'm still very uncomfortable from after effects of the bladder infection. Apparently, since my body is unable to heal as quickly because of all the toxins being pumped into me, my bladder is still enflamed so it constantly feels like I have to pee and then when I do nothing comes out. Miserable!! I've been on antibiotics for two and a half weeks and am just ready to be done with it all. Two more weeks of Chemo, then hopefully back to me again.

2011-01-17T18:21:00.000-06:00

I've been fighting what I thought was a uti / bladder infection. I've been on three different antibiotics and one IV antibiotic over the past week and a half to try to knock it out, but nothing has worked. Unfortunately, the sample I left last week came back clean, so now I get to go see a urologist on Thursday to try to figure out what's going on. For those of you that have never had the pleasure of a uti / bladder infection ... It sucks. It constantly feels like you have to pee, and when you really do have to go, you can't wait or you will pee your pants. It's making me nervous not knowing what could possibly be causing this, but I'm trying to stay positive and not think about the possibilities it could be.

I'm damaged goods...

2011-01-14T17:49:00.000-06:00

I have a broken heart, but it still loves deeply, and has room to grow.

I have scars down the side of my head and on my chest, but they show that I'm a survivor.
My boobs and butt sag, but they still look good in a 34c bra and size 6 jeans.
My muscles have no tone, but they will get better when I can start exercising again.
I wear glasses (cause I hate contacts) , but they show off my blue eyes (so I'm told) .
I have bad breathe because of the lack of saliva my body produces now, but I still can kiss passionately (just don't breathe).
I don't have long wavy hair, but it will grow back soon and I'll have a short sassy due.
My jaw is damaged, but I can still smile.
My body is toxic, but it's still alive.

2011-01-14T17:44:00.000-06:00

9 down ... 3 to go. My scan results came back promising. The tumor that is in my jaw has shrunk down consierably, and the jaw bone is already healing, which means that the tumor is dead. They are going to wait to start the radiation for another 5 weeks, to give the chemo a chance to shrink the tumors some more. As I go through these treatments, I'm finding it harder to snap back after my treatments. I've had to get fluid iv's and shots and lots of sleep. But the light is getting closer and I'm still fighting.

2011-01-09T09:17:00.000-06:00

I had a sad realization this morning. I can no longer donate my blood or organs like I've wanted to do. Now that my blood and body have been tainted by cancer, drugs and radiation, my body is useless to help someone else. How sad is that?

2011-01-08T13:57:00.000-06:00

8 down, 4 to go.

My blood count was down again this week, so I've gotta get shots again. I'm really tired and am getting lots of rest so I can gear up for number 9 on Thursday. I go for a CT scan on Monday to see how the tumors look. I'll find out on Thursday if the one in my chin is gone, and how much the one in my jaw has shrunk. My dads coming in on Wednesday to go with me on Thursday. He's such a trooper to come sit and watch me nap for 3 hours. It's all good though cause we go for lunch afterwards.

2011-01-03T12:46:00.000-06:00

7 down, 5 more to go!

I had my monthly visit with my main oncologist today, and it went really well. He can't feel the tumor anymore! We'll know more next week when we do a CT Scan as to how much it has shrunk within the bone. He also told me that my tumor is more like "breast cancer", which was a huge relief to me. All of the patients that I had seen that had "head and neck cancer" were in bad shape, and it terrified me. This news makes me think I have an even better chance of beating it. And he also told me that from what they can tell, it's not genetic.. which means I didn't get it from my parents, and I can't pass it to my kids. Unfortunately, they don't know how I got it, but we'll just have to live with that.

2010-12-29T19:26:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've updated anything, so I'm going to try to get caught up here. I'm half way through the chemo now, and am chasing that light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't get to do my treatment last week because my blood counts were too low. I had to get a shot 4 days in a row to boost my white counts back up. As of Monday, I was good to go, so tomorrow I am scheduled for my 7th treatment. I'll get a scan in a couple of weeks to see how much the tumor has shrunk, so that they know when they should start the radiation. They want to shrink it as much as possible before they blast it, so as to minimize any damage to my jaw. I'm feeling good overall, and am trying hard to stay positive. I've met lots of cancer survivors in my travels these past several weeks, and they are so inspiring. People come up to me out of the blue and just hold my hand or hug me letting me know that they are survivors and that they will keep me in their prayers. It's comforting to see them looking so well. The scary part for me are the people that I have met that have head and neck cancer. They are not as promising and comforting to me unfortunately. I try to just focus on the positive ones right now and pray that I will be one of them soon enough. I did get some good news the day before Christmas from my old boss and dear friend, Ed, who was battling with his second bought of cancer. This time it was on the temple of his head. They did a few weeks of radiation, and gave him a clean bill of health right before Christmas. Wonderful news!

I went to the ENT a couple of weeks ago, and she gave me the all clear. My hearing and nerves are all good. I don't need to see her now for 6 months, unless something else comes up. She did tell me that I most likely will not get the feeling back in my ear and jaw from the surgery last year, but if that's the worst of it, then I can deal with that. At least I can hear. Right?

Okay, as for side effects, here's what I've got for ya'.. I still get headaches, but not near as bad as I was getting them. My shoulders hurt almost all the time. Where's my male nurse to give me a massage? (Kim, can you send him over for me?) The biggest thing I deal with is fatigue, but it hasn't been as bad lately. Maybe it's because I didn't get blasted last week, not sure. I try to do what I can, and I rest when I can't. I've found a new addiction .. I've been watching Dexter and Weeds on my Ipad. I've just started Season 3 of Dexter and am on Season 4 of Weeds. Good shows! I'm still a fuzz head, and even seem to have a few spots that look like hair has grown back. It's really weird.

I'll try to do better about updating. Just nudge me now and then if you haven't seen anything on here in a while (Sandi... )

5 down 7 to go...

2010-12-12T18:31:00.000-06:00

Almost 1/2 way done... and I'm hanging tough. The weekends are the hardest, but I try to just sleep my way through them. When Monday rolls around, I make myself get moving and go to work and that helps me feel better. I've got a UTI infection this weekend, so that's not helping. Ughhh.. I got the doctor to call in some more drugs for me today, so I'm hoping they will kick in soon so that I can feel more like myself. This time around is definitely alot easier than last time though, so I really shouldn't complain. I just want to feel good for Christmas. That's all I ask is that I can enjoy watching my kids Christmas morning. I missed my nephew's birthday party today at Laser Tag, and I just hate that. I've never missed one of his parties. Hopefully he understands. I'm sure all he cared was that Max and Emmy were there to play with him.

2010-12-04T20:46:00.000-06:00

1/3rd of the way done. I had my 4th treatment on Thursday and it went really well. I've decided day two is my toughest day. I woke with a headache and body aches and lost a bunch more hair. Almost bald now. The fatigue kicked in this afternoon so Luke and I chilled and watched movies.

2010-11-28T08:39:00.000-06:00

Well the process of losing my hair has definitely started. My head hurts and it's coming out in small clumps. I'm thinking I might have mike buzz it for me later and just be done with it!

2010-11-26T16:00:00.000-06:00

Had an awesome Thanksgiving with friends and family. The kids had a blast playing with our friends kids. They had a zip line and the kids just absolutely loved it. Guess we need to find a place to put one here at the house.

2010-11-26T15:50:00.000-06:00

Then we headed home to watch the Aggies v. Longhorns. Aggies won!

"THANKSgiving"

2010-11-25T05:53:00.000-06:00

It's Thanksgiving morning and I have so much to be thankful for. I have the most supportive group of family and friends who have stood closely by me this past year. I wouldn't have made it without them. I have the sweetest, most caring children in the whole world. And although they may not understand all that is happening to me, they make me smile every single day.

I had my third Chemo treatment yesterday and so far am feeling good. My iron was back up, and so is my energy. I also got some good news Tuesday at my appointment... The tumor has shrunk already. It's still there but it has definitely gone down in size. I'm keeping the positive thoughts flowing that I'm going to kick it's ass for good this time.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Have a wonderful time with your families and cherish every moment!

Crappy Weekend

2010-11-21T15:24:00.000-06:00

Ok, so it's not all peachy keen. I had a crappy weekend. I tried to have a good day with my kids on Saturday. I got up and made us some pancakes for breakfast, then started stripping the beds. By the time I got the third bed made back up I hit a wall, and that was all she wrote. I crashed on the couch for about an hour. Thinking it would pass, but it didn't. Louise came and got the kids from me, and Mike was gone hunting. I took a nice hot shower and crashed for a few hours. I woke up long enough to eat some dinner and watch a movie, before I was ready for bed. I took some drugs and crashed for twelve hours. I just wanted the cramping in my back and stomach and my headache to go away. I hate that I have absolutely no energy! I've got a short week this week, and all will hopefully settle down so I can enjoy the time home with my family.

My tattoo

2010-11-19T07:52:00.000-06:00

I also never showed you the tattoo I gifted myself with after conquering the cancer the first time. I always wanted one, but never knew what I wanted. It had to be something special. I had ideas in my head and found some clipart and had a friend of my daughter's put it all together for me. I put it on my shoulder on the side where I had the cancer before, as a reminder of the angels that watched over my shoulder the whole time. The heart and the three small circles inside the heart represents my children. The color of the heart is purple, which is the color for general cancer. What made this even more special for me, is that my mom and daughter were there with me and my mom got a tattoo as well.

2010-11-19T07:48:00.000-06:00

It's been just over a year since my surgery to remove the first tumor. My scar looks so awesome, that most people don't even notice it anymore. I thought I'd give you all a shot as to what it looks like now:

Scars add character

2010-11-18T17:09:00.000-06:00

I got to take my bandage off today for my chemo, and got to see how my scar looks. He did an amazing job. I'll have matching scars now, because they put the new one on the right side this time. It's a better place for it dynamically. Unfortunately, because of my surgery last time, they had to do it on the left. Scars add character, right? Mike says that chicks dig scars on guys.. is that the same the other way around?

Here's a shot to show you my pretty new scar.

If you are squeemish, don't look!

Not too bad, huh?

2010-11-18T17:02:00.000-06:00

Today was chemo #2. So far, so good. I got to use my new port, which was so much nicer than getting poked in the arms. Tomorrow I go in to get a CT Scan to start getting the Cyber Knife (radiation) set up.

This is what happened last week when they tried to find a good vein..

It doesn't look too bad now, as the bruising has faded a bit.

New Medi-port

2010-11-18T06:33:00.000-06:00

I thought I was done and had my port taken out back in April. Unfortunately we are not, and I have really small veins, so getting poked every week doesn't sound too appealing. So, I went back yesterday and had my port put back in. All went well, and I slept it off yesterday afternoon. My chest and neck are sore this morning, and it's starting to itch already. I can't shower until Saturday, so that sucks. I love my showers. Where's my sexy male nurse to give me my sponge baths? Anyway, all in all... It's all good.

Basketball - The Bears - Winter 2010

2010-11-11T20:43:00.000-06:00

Max played basketball this season. He learned so much and had such a great time... not to mention he looked so incredibly handsome in his uniform.

Getting his ball signed by the Spurs Coyote

The Bears (Minus Blaz)

with his partner in crime .. Hayden

Showing off his trophy and tournament ring

Fundraiser for a good cause

2010-11-11T20:34:00.000-06:00

October was Breast-Cancer Awareness Month. Every year the trainers at Reagan do something to support this cause. This year, they sold these t-shirts and all of the proceeds went to the Susan B. Komen Foundation. They sold over 5000 shirts. Way to go girls! Boys, Girls, Men and Women all sported their pink shirts at the football game. Some of the guys even wore pink socks or wrap and had pink ribbons on their helmets. Real men wear pink! You gotta' love the support for such an important cause. I'm so proud of my daughter for being so passionate about it.

Knock Out...

2010-11-11T20:30:00.000-06:00

Max attempted to "fly" onto one of my neighbors backs, but missed and landed flat out on the driveway instead .. with no hands stopping him. Needless to say .. He lost!

Jess' Sr. Pictures

2010-11-11T20:28:00.000-06:00

I took a few casual shots of Jess for her "senior pictures".. We are going to go out another day and try to get some more. She's one beautiful girl. She's made me so proud.

Max turns 7

2010-11-11T20:19:00.000-06:00

My little boy turned 7 with a small little Lego party with a few of his friends. They had a blast building stuff with their legos.

His Lego Cake that Grandma made

His ice cream cake from Gampa & Bubbee

Some of his buds from the party

Emmy and Cambria

Gotta have a pinata

I love my big brother

Trick or Treat

2010-11-11T19:59:00.000-06:00

Hamming it up at the Pumpkin Patch

Coming out of the hay maze

Best Buds

Making their pumpkins

All my warriors and super heros

Ohhhhhh scary!

Jess .. Cheering and Training and Resting

2010-11-11T19:49:00.001-06:00

The 3 Amigos
(Sarah, Jessie and Marissa)

Homecoming

2010-11-11T19:48:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I'm going to try to do a little catching up on here for you, besides the cancer stuff. Something more light and cheerful.

Jess and R.C. went to homecoming together this year. They both looked amazing. Their last one...

My two favorite girls

How R.C. asked her

Chemo #1

2010-11-11T18:50:00.000-06:00

Today was my first chemo, and so far so good. They are thinking about doing 12 all together, which is what they do for breast cancer patients. It all depends on how I do with it. One of the chemos that I do, has a side effect that makes your fingers and toes tingle and numb. I have to wear frozen mits on my hands and feet while I go through the chemo, in hopes of minimizing or eliminating this side effect all together. It's about an hour+ long, so it's chilly willy going through it. But they give me benadryl, steroids along with a couple anti-nausea and one other anti-histamine before hand in hopes of bypassing any nausea or allergic reactions to one of the chemos. I don't have my port yet, so they had to manually administer the iv. We had a problem with the first poke, so I've got a nice little bruise in my arm where she blew out the vein. Ugh.. I will get my port put back in next Wednesday, in time for next chemo treatment. I'll be going every Thursday until they tell me I've had enough. When I got home from my treatment, it was all I could do to keep my eyes open, so I went to la la land for about an hour before the kids came home. I'm sure I'll sleep good tonight. They did tell me that I will lose my hair again with these, but you know what.. I'm okay with it. I think I'll come back as a redhead next time. What do you think about that?

On a lighter note, my brother (Scott) is coming to visit me tomorrow from New York. I'm going to pick him up at the airport tomorrow afternoon and we are heading up to Rockdale to spend the night at our folks "country place". Just a little quiet time to get caught up. Then we will head back through maybe Ikea and/or San Marcos for a little stroll and maybe a little shopping. When we get back to SA, our parents should be here and we will have a little family time.

It's Back..

2010-11-09T18:51:00.000-06:00

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but I'm going to start back up again. Unfortunately, it's because my cancer is back, and I want to be able to keep everyone up to speed on what is going on.

I had a pet scan last month, and it showed a suspicious spot on my left jaw bone. After doing a biopsy, it was confirmed that my cancer was back. I will be starting up my chemo again on Thursday, on a weekly basis. It should last about 8 or 9 weeks, and then I will start up with a type of radiation called cyber knife. It's a more precise type of radiation, and would only entail about 5 shots to my jaw and then 3 shots to a small spot on my chin.

I'm determined to kick this things ass once and for all this time, and feeling good going into this. I've got a great group of doctors, some of the most wonderful angels and a supportive family. I am healthy (aside from this damn cancer) and I'm not recovering from surgery this time. Just keep the positive thoughts coming to me, and I know we will get through this even stronger than the last time.

2010-07-27T17:34:00.000-05:00

Emmy is going to cheer camp for a week. She didn't want to go at first, but once she got there she had fun. It's 2 hours a day for 5 days and there are only 7 girls in the class, so it's managable.

2010-07-27T17:29:00.000-05:00

We had a fun day at the Espino pool this past weekend. Jim and the boys were supposed to be in so we all got together for some fun in the sun. Unfortunately, they weren't able to make it, so we partied on without him. Lots of fun having water fights, eating and relaxing!

Mike & Jim chillin' by the pool

Nana & Jess resting

Emmy getting splashed

Connor flying high

Max ready to dive in again

Mike, Will & Amy chilling out (and of course, Amy has her Shiner) :-)

2010-07-27T17:15:00.001-05:00

My pet spider and I think her babies (that little circle next to her).

She's hanging above our front door.

School Shopping for Emmy

2010-07-27T17:12:00.000-05:00

I took Emmy school shopping the other day.

Here's a sample of a couple of the outfits she got.

She did so good and had so much fun.

2010-07-27T17:05:00.002-05:00

Jeremy came over to hang with Max for a couple of days. They played with Legos and played with all of the neighborhood kids. They had a blast! This was them early the next morning after they just got up.

2010-07-14T21:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my monthly check-up with my oncologist. Everything still looks and feels good, so we continue on hoping and praying that the cancer stays away. It's been almost 8 months since my surgery and 4 months since I finished my chemo and radiation. I'm still contending with a few minor side-effects, but nothing I can't live with. Hopefully they will continue to subside for me, but if they don't, I can still go on with life the way I am.

I needed to do something different with my ever-changing room downstairs, so I decided to make it my "cancer room". I put up book-shelves for all of my books and the neat little gifts I got from all of my friends. I even put my mask up there from my radiation. It's my daily reminder of the hell we went through, but also the love that surrounds me every day and helped me get through these past 9 months.

My hair is continuing to grow and get thicker and curlier each day. I sometimes forget I had even lost my hair at all. Hard to believe, huh?

Extended .. 4th of July Weekend

2010-07-14T20:55:00.000-05:00

My sister-in-law and her kids were here to visit for the 4th of July, so we got to have some fun together with the kiddos. The week before the 4th of July, they were here in San Antonio. We took them to Landa Park up in New Braunfels one day, however our day was hindered by the pools being closed up there. It didn't matter, we had fun anyway. We rode the train and had some play time at the playground.

Max & Emmy teetering

Missy, Tom (Missy's dad), Max, Mitchell & Mallory waiting for the train to take off

Emmy waiting for me to get on the train

Then we went down to Corpus to spend the 4th of July weekend with Missy and her family. We went to the beach, BBQ'd, did fireworks, slip-n-slided and trampolined all weekend. Needless to say, we all slept good. The hurricane missed us, and we ended up having a beautiful weekend.

Emmy, Mallory & Max

Max flying high

Best Buds

Slip-n-Sliding

Me and my babies watching the fireworks

Max splashing around in the "waves"

Emmy and Daddy heading to the water to cool off

The beach wasn't too bad. There was a lot of seaweed, but no tar and only a few jellyfish washed up. The kids had fun trying to build a sand castle and splashing around in the water.

Jess didn't get to join us, as she already had a pet-sitting job lined up for the weekend. She had her own fun here though. Not only did she have the whole house to herself and a car to drive, she spent the weekend hanging out with her boyfriend and his family. They went to Fiesta Texas, ate lots of food and watched fireworks down at his grandparents house.

2010-06-22T14:14:00.000-05:00

Emmy lost her first tooth last week!

Showing off her lost tooth with one of her best buds

2010-06-22T14:11:00.000-05:00

One of my very few cousins and his family were here to visit from Colorado this past weekend, so we cooked up some Texas style fajitas and sat around and shot the breeze. My parents, my brother and his family were here to join us as well. We had a great time comparing stories of our families and getting caught up on our lives for the past 30 years. Wow time gets away from us quickly.

Here's a picture of my brother's son (Jeremy), my cousin's son (Will) and Max. They are all right around the same age, so it worked out great.

2010-06-22T13:58:00.001-05:00

For any of you that are guys that read my blog .. this one is a bitch session just for the ladies. Sorry!

It's been almost 6 months to the day since I have had a period and it started up yesterday with vengence. I think everything that has been building up in there decided to come out all at once. Ughhhh. I have NEVER had periods like this. What the heck?

On a brighter note, I'm starting to get some of my taste buds back on the right side of my mouth. My hair is still growing in nicely. As a matter of fact, I've got a new do..

I think it's really cute for the summer and have received lots of compliments on it. Hopefully those people weren't just blowing smoke up my butt.

2010-06-01T21:23:00.000-05:00

Today was my monthly check-up with the oncologist and boy it was an eye opener. I had a MAJOR headache last night and it really scared me. When I went to the doctor today, I asked a question that I hadn't really asked before, because I guess I really didn't want to know. I knew that this cancer had a possibility of coming back in the first year or two, but wasn't really sure what the possibility was and where it would come back to. I asked him today and was told that the cancer has a 65% chance of coming back (to the same place) in the first year and 85% chance of coming back in the second year. Those percentages took me by total surprise, and really scared the crud out of me. The good news is that I am 7 months into my first year. The bad news is that my percentages jump 20% after my first year. How sucky is that? My headache isn't as bad today, but it's still there. My doctor is such a sweet man though. He said that if it eases my mind any, that I am welcome to go see him weekly instead of monthly, and that I can call his office anytime I have a concern. The tightness in my neck, the lack of taste and the popping in my jaw are all things that will improve with time. How much time is an uncertainty, but at least I know it will improve.

2010-05-24T18:36:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I have posted anything, so I thought I would give a little update. It's been almost 7 months since my surgery, and almost 3 months since I finished all of my treatments. I'm getting more energy and more hair each day. My hearing is still muffled, and my scars itch and "ache" now and then. My jaw pops more than it did before and is sometimes hard to open. I've gotten my apetite, although not my taste buds, but I have put a little of my weight back on in spite of it. I had my first Pet Scan a couple of weeks ago, and received the amazing call from my doctor telling me that the CANCER IS GONE. I will still see my main oncologist monthly, my chemo oncologist every 3 months for a year or two and my ENT until I get my hearing all back to normal. I will also have scans of some sort done every 3-4 months for a year or two just to make sure that it doesn't come back.

Our new little "kindergartener"!

2010-05-19T21:26:00.000-05:00

me and my baby

Double Trouble .. look out Tuscany Heights

"when I grow up I want to be a doctor and a teacher"

CLASS OF 2022!

2010-04-26T19:12:00.000-05:00

Max's bold new colors in his room

Emmy's sweet big girl room

2010-04-22T16:53:00.000-05:00

Max celebrated Fiesta at his school yesterday. Everyone made a float to bring in and show off in the parade.

King Max

Max in the parade with his Bionicles float

2010-04-20T17:39:00.000-05:00

My growing hair

The mask I had to wear when getting my

radiation to keep me "strapped" to the table

This is the medi-port that was inserted inside my chest to

allow my chemo drugs to be given and blood to be drawn.

I just had it removed last week, so I'm still healing,

but it feels good to have it out. Now I just have to hope

that I don't ever need it again.

2010-04-13T20:33:00.000-05:00

Max's artwork was one of 5,000 pieces from his school district to be displayed for all to see. Way to go Max!

Little Red Riding Hood

2010-04-12T06:37:00.000-05:00

Today is one month since my last treatment (and I'm a little over 5 months since my surgery)! The side effects are pretty much gone. Still dealing with a nasty taste in my mouth, but am at least able to eat and keep it down. The hair is getting thicker. I don't wear hats or bandanas anymore, and am just going aunaturale! I even got a compliment on my hair last week from someone who thought it was just how I wear it. I go back to the doctor in a couple of weeks, and he will start scheduling testing. I'll see him weekly and will do testing every 3-4 weeks for at least a year. My right eye still has a few issues with twitching and being a little swollen. Nothing anyone else would probably notice unless they are really watching for it, but it bugs me. I still can't feel my right ear or my jaw, and have a slight muffled sound in my right ear, but they said that could take at least 8 months. All said and done, I have lost 23 pounds and dropped from a size 8 to a size 4. Note: I wouldn't recommend this diet to anyone, so don't even try it.

2010-04-11T09:34:00.000-05:00

Took the kiddos over to the clubhouse yesterday for their annual Spring pictures. I decided to go black and white this year for the big pictures. They came out great (if I do say so myself).

2010-04-02T09:43:00.000-05:00

Bluebonnets 2010...

Easter 2010

2010-04-02T09:35:00.000-05:00

We had a great Easter this year. Mike celebrated his 40th birthday the week before Easter, and his family threw a surprise party for the two of us. For him turning 40 and for me getting through all of my treatments and hopefully getting a fresh start. Mike's brothers were all here and my parents came in as well. The kids got to spend lots of time with their cousins Mallory and Mitchell.

2010-03-28T19:23:00.000-05:00

I went to Corpus Christi with the kiddos this weekend to see their cousins Mallory and Mitchell. They had such a great time playing in the sand and water at the beach, jumping on the trampolene and riding on the 4-wheeler. We got some pictures in the wild flowers too. Here are a couple of shots of them. Too cute!

2010-03-12T18:07:00.000-06:00

Well today was my last day of treatments! 4 chemo and 35 radiation and numerous side-effects from both treatments. Unfortunately, just because the treatments are done, it doesn't mean the side-effects are gone too. I still have a few months to go with all of that. Today should have been an exciting day for me, but unfortuantely, I've felt like crap all day, and spent half the afternoon in bed. My throat hurts, I have sores on the inside of my cheek, am nauseas and am just plain exhausted. What the heck! Well, I have nothing going on this weekend, and plan on taking it easy as much as I can. My doctors warned me that the next two weeks were going to be the worst.

On a lighter side... My hair has started growing back a little, so I thought I would give you all a little giggle and show you how it looks...

2010-03-09T19:09:00.000-06:00

Today we added a new addition to our family. As of tonight, his name is Luke, but that is always subject to change. He's a lab/retriever mix, but he also looks like has terrier in him. He's mostly black, with a white patch on his chest. We rescued him from the Humane Society. He's only about 3 1/2 months old, so it looks like he's gonna' be a pretty decent size dog when he is full grown. But, he's oh so cute and oh so sweet. the kids absolutely love him. Lucky ... not so much yet.

2010-03-06T20:51:00.000-06:00

5 more treatments to go and boy am I ready. I've lost a total of 21 pounds so far, and don't imagine that's done yet. I've dropped 2 pant sizes and am down into my size 4 pants again! My hair is starting to thicken up too. Summer time here I come!!! Now if I can just conquer this nausea and fatigue and dry-heaves and get my taste buds back, I'd be doing great.

2010-03-06T20:33:00.000-06:00

Jess & R.C. and Jessie & Matt all set for a night on the town. Dinner at Benihana's, then off to prom. They were supposed to have a limo ride, but there was a mishap, and it never showed. Parents stepped in and shuttled them down to the restaurant, in hopes that the limo would hook up with them there. They looked gorgeous!!! Can't wait to get the scoop on how the rest of the night is going.

2010-03-06T20:20:00.000-06:00

We've had a few milestones this week...

Max lost another tooth (#4)

Emmy got glasses

Jessie got her Sr. class ring

Emmy's Turning 5 Tomorrow

2010-03-01T20:32:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is the big day for our baby girl. She's turning 5! We had her cake last night, gave her the pre-gifts tonight and tomorrow night we go all together to pick out the big gift. We're getting a dog. Here are a few shots of what's transpired so far. She's so excited about the dog. It's so cute.

Yummy cake...

Emmy with Jess and the stash of dog stuff

that she got for her new dog to come soon

2010-03-01T20:23:00.000-06:00

Emmy had a Go-Texan Day last month at daycare. Here's a picture of her in her boots and braids. Yee Ha!

2010-03-01T19:59:00.000-06:00

Jess and her trainer friend's went to a banquet for athletics. Aren't they pretty?

Marissa, Sarah, Jess

3 Little Mice...

2010-03-01T19:57:00.000-06:00

Mommy got a wild hair up her butt one day, and decided to get the kids new pets. So, I let them each get a mouse. What was I thinking? We've only had one scare so far, when Max's mouse got left out and we couldn't find her. We finally found her ... or should I say that Lucky found her. She wasn't hurt at all, and we put her back in her habitat all safe and sound.

Jess' - Savannah .. Emmy's - Bellini .. Max's - Stoney

I Hate ... I Love

2010-02-28T16:31:00.000-06:00

I hate that I feel like shit so much I love knowing that it will go away with time

I hate that I have no hair or eyelashes
I love knowing its growing back and I'll have a short sassy haircut by Summer (hopefully)

I hate that I can't enjoy food
I love knowing that I will be eating like a queen very soon

I hate that I have lost so much weight
I love that I can fit into size 4 and 6 again, even if it is for a short time

I hate what this has put my family through
I love that they still love and support me

I hate that I have ugly scars on my face and chest
I love knowing that scars heal and they help remind us what is important

I hate that I have no energy
I love this whole concept called relaxing

I hate that my kids have to see me go through this
I love knowing that they will be stronger because of it

I hate that I don't get to see my friends very often
I love knowing they are still there when I need them

I hate that my parents are so far away
I love that they still take the time to be with me when I need them

I hate that I have cancer
I love that I am ALIVE!

2010-02-27T21:38:00.000-06:00

Here we are, almost to the end... Almost $170k worth of bills (I know I have said this before, but thank God for insurance). 18 pounds lighter. Acne like a teenager. Loss of hair and eyelashes. A few hospital visits. Lots of other nasty side-effects I won't even mention. But .. we are almost done. The reflux is the worst of it all right now. Not able to eat anything cause of the taste (or lack thereof), so nothing but acid comes up or I just get the dry heaves. I had a bad episode of it late this afternoon. Poor Jess stayed in there with me rubbing my back and trying to hold back vomiting herself. When I started having a hard time breathing, she went and got Mike for me and he took over. That was scary. He calmed me down though, and then I was able to breath again. I stopped taking the anti-reflux medicine a couple of days ago, thinking I was in the clear. I guess not! I got a little bit down to eat for dinner, and went birthday shopping with Jess for my baby, who will be turning 5 on Tuesday. This week will be an exciting one. Emmy's birthday is Tuesday, Jess gets her class ring on Friday and then she is going to her Junior Prom on Saturday. I'm hoping I will be feeling okay so that I can enjoy all of it.

2010-02-26T13:04:00.000-06:00

I got home from the hospital Tuesday night and after a couple more days of rest, seem to be doing pretty good again. The headache seems to be gone and my energy level is back up again. And best of all ... it wasn't meningitis. It all ended up just being drug effects. I've completed my chemotheraphy treatments and have completed 10 out of the 35 radiation treatments. Almost done!!!! Still dealing with the nausea off and on and my energy level goes up and down. But it's all definitely mild compared to what it could be by this point. I'm ready to get my taste buds back so that I can finally taste food again. I miss that. I've lost 18 pounds all together, so once I get through this, I can firm up my flab and maybe put 5 pounds back on. That puts me at 125, so that's a good weight for me. Mom came in this week to help out around here and boy how nice it was knowing she was here, even if I wasn't very good company.

2010-02-22T08:38:00.001-06:00

Okay, time to update you on my newest nightmare...

I woke up yesterday morning with the most horrific headache, and it just wouldn't go away. I finally called my doctor Saturday night and she said if it didn't go away with Tylenol, that I should go to the E.R. So I tried taking some hydrocodone and toughed it through the night hoping it would kick it, and finally decided to come in to the E.R. yesterday morning since it didn't even touch the pain. I was obviously terrified, since I haven't had any headaches with all of this. My first fear was that it was a tumor. They immediately did a C.T. Scan and drew blood, and then eventually did a spinal tap. Unfortunately, they found some abnormal white blood cells in the spinal tap, which showed that I have meningitis. They drew some blood cultures to test to find out if it is bacterial or viral. My ENT came in and checked all of my labs, and was 99% sure that it's viral, but until they get them to grow, they won't know for sure. So, I'm in the hosptital under quarantine for several days to control my pain and to wait for the labs to come back. A doctor from Infectious Diseases is supposed to come see me this morning. The good news is that this pushes my radiation off for this week, so I at least get a little break there. Unfortunately, it also means that it drags my treatments out further. They also wanted to do one more chemo treatment, and it was going to depend on how I do these next couple of weeks, so this might eliminate that for me. I'll keep you all posted as I know more.

For those that want to know a little more about meningitis in general, here's a link that I found very helpful:
http://www.cdc.gov/meningitis/about/faq.html

2010-02-19T16:16:00.000-06:00

4 chemos down, possibly 1 more to go. I've got only 11 more radiation treatments to go, and then we are done. The side effects are getting harder each week, but we are getting through them. If I do well these next two weeks, they will do one more round of chemo, just to make sure. But, if I'm not doing well, then they will not do it. Overall, I’m hanging in there. The fatigue, nausea, reflux, hiccups and the nasty taste in my mouth are what I’m trying to conquer .. unsuccessfully. I’ve gotten lots of bed time, which is the only time that I don’t feel all of that. I had Emmy home with me today, and she was so good. She laid here in bed with me all day and watched tv and played on the laptop while I slept on and off. The nausea doesn’t allow me to eat because the smell of everything makes me want to puke. And the texture of a lot of stuff makes me gag. It’s a no win situation. Mike’s out of town tonight, and Louise is coming to get the kids later, so I’ve got the bed, tv and house to me and Jess all night. I feel bad because I’m ignoring everyone’s phone calls, but I’m just not up to talking on the phone just yet. The mucous in my mouth and throat just makes me gag. I’ll touch base again soon.

2010-02-11T19:17:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've updated, so I thought I'd give you a quick update. I've been feeling pretty good lately. I have my energy and have been sleeping good at night. I've actually been back at work the past two weeks, which has been good. The only thing that I can really complain about is the nasty, bitter, salty taste in my mouth. I've gotten thrush from the radiation, which is a yeast infection in my mouth. Yuck, right? The good news is I'm over half way done with the radiation. Yeah!!!! I have my last (hopefully) chemo on Tuesday. Yeah!!!! So, I'm looking forward to the weekend with my family and celebrating Valentine's Day.

2010-02-04T15:28:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks down on the radiation, 4 more to go. Hopefully I should be done with everything on March 8th, then it's time for tests to see if everything is gone. The nausea seems to be under control for the most part, thanks to a new medicine that I am taking, and probably time. I still have a little of the reflux, but it's not too bad. The worst that I am dealing with now is the nasty taste in my mouth, dry mouth which in turn makes the mucous in my mouth really thick (yuck) and nothing really tastes good. Everything just tastes really salty. I'm supposed to be drinking lots of water, but it tastes like salt water so it's hard to get down. I'm back at work this week, which has been good. I have so much to do up there and need to play catch-up big time. I stll get pretty tired early in the evening, but am trying hard to stay up later so that I can sleep at night. I find that I am waking up all throughout the night, which really sucks.

2010-01-30T15:04:00.000-06:00

2 weeks of radiation down .. 5 to go and hopefully only 1 chemo left to go. I know everybody wants to ask how I am doing, but is afraid to ask so I'm going to tell it all.

If you want to hear the good stuff only, then ...

I'm doing good. Hanging in there. Am counting down the days. Can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Am thankful to be alive.

If you want to know the deep dark truth, then read on ...

THIS SUCKS! I don't want to continue, but know that I don't have a choice. I feel like shit and just want to sleep my way through this whole nightmare. I've basically slept all week to avoid the nausea and nasty taste in my mouth that makes me just not want to eat anything, which in turn makes the nausea worse. My scars are starting to feel the radiation, and are getting very tight and itchy. I look like shit without hair and make-up (I can't wear make-up to my radiation, and don't see any point of putting anything on afterwards since I just come home and go to bed). Not that there are too many people that are beautiful bald and without make-up (besides Sinead O'Connor), but that's besides the point. The rash/acne on my face is worse and is starting to get red from the radiation. I take all kinds of drugs that are supposed to help with the nausea and reflux, but I'm thinking they aren't working. There is another drug they can give me, but it will just make me sleepy. I need to function. I've tried so hard these past two days to do some things around the house, but it just wears me out. And I'm supposed to be trying to exercise through all of this? Yeah, right. Keeping up with two kids and a house and all of my appointments is my exercise. I'm scared shitless of when the side effects hit from the radiation and the inside of my mouth and throat are so sore that I can't eat solid foods and will have to eat puree shit. Or worse yet, I'll have to get a feeding tube. The doctor doesn't think it will get to that point, and I hope not, but I still worry.

The kids are all doing pretty good in spite of it all. They understand when I'm not feeling good and let me rest. And when I go to bed at 7:00 at night, they give me lots of hugs and kisses. Mike's doing his best to stay on top of everything, but his job is wearing him down. Plus, he's working weekends again at Milberger's. He's still very supportive of me and helps out as much as he can.

Now aren't you glad you asked? I know, it will all be over soon and I'll be cancer free and will get my hair back and will feel good again. That's all so true but I want it all to be done NOW!!!! Okay, so I'm a little anxious. I'll get over it.

2010-01-20T07:30:00.000-06:00

The kids have been in Hilton Head, SC since Saturday with their cousins, and are having such a good time. Here's a shot of them at the beach. It was a little chilly, but they still had a blast. They come home tomorrow, and as much as I have loved the quiet and clean house, I'm ready!

2010-01-20T06:42:00.001-06:00

2 radiations down .. 33 to go. So far so good. It's going much quicker than I thought it would. I'm in and out in about 10 minutes each morning.

I've broken the $100,000 mark on my expenses for this nightmare. Thank God for insurance!

I do have a couple good things that have come out of the chemo that I wanted to share ...

I haven't had to shave my legs or pits in weeks and I'm still smooth.
I've lost the 10 pounds I wanted to lose.
My "ready" time in the mornings is much easier without hair.
I've met some of the most amazing and inspiration people.
I've learned how to relax a little.

See there is a bright side to everything. :-)

2010-01-17T11:46:00.000-06:00

These were so good, I just had to share... they were good for a good laugh.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is after you reach age 21.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new... Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

by Red Skelton

2010-01-16T11:26:00.000-06:00

Crazy, crazy morning. Emmy and Max were scheduled to head off to Hilton Head Island this morning with Louise to go see their cousins Mallory and Mitchell. Bags were packed, backpacks filled with things to keep them busy on the plane. Ready to go, right? Of course it's not that easy. Got Emmy up at 7:30 to start getting them bathed and fed only to find out she is covered in some sort of rash. Loaded her up in the car and headed to the after-hours pediatrician .. not open. Over to the Urgent care facility .. not open. Over to another clinic .. not open. Crap! Running out of time .. now what. Mike finds one over off Blanco that is open, so off we go. Good news .. it wasn't anything contagious. Looks like it was either a reaction to a viral infection (from when she had the snotty nose and ear infection last week) or a reaction to the antibiotic she has been taken. Ran to HEB to get her some Benadryl, and made it to the airport in plenty of time to get her checked in and loaded up. Whew!!! Now time to just chill out for a few days before I start radiation on Monday. They will be home on Thursday, so I have plenty of time to rest. I'm sure gonna' miss their hugs and giggles though.

2010-01-14T19:17:00.000-06:00

Had a good week. Went to work each day and made it through until after dinner. Got pretty tired in the evening, but not too bad. Went today to for a dry-run of my radiation, and it all look good to go. I start Monday morning and will go every weekday at 9:15 for 7 weeks. Not digging the mask I have to wear during the treatments too well, but it's only for a short time each day.

2010-01-09T09:07:00.000-06:00

Today is a good day so far. Actually feel a little human. Stripping all the sheets on the beds and washing all of them and the blankets. Time to detox this house and get the kids unsnotty and prepare for my low week this week. Getting ready to take a shower and try to feel even more human.

I've decided that this whole chemo thing is alot like being pregnant. Nausea, fatigue, moodiness, lack of appetite ... the only major difference is that at the end I don't get a beautiful baby out of the deal. Instead I get rid of a nasty disease and hopefully never see it again.

2010-01-08T18:27:00.000-06:00

Today was an interesting day. Ended up taking Emmy to the doctor with an ear infection this morning. Then I headed to the doctor to get my "mask" fitted for my radiation treatments. I kind of felt like Hannibal Lecter with it on. Creepy. I'll have to wear it every day, 5 days a week for 7 weeks. Yep, that's 35 treatments. Yuck! If all goes well, I'll be done by the first part of March and be cancer free by my 43rd Birthday. That would be the best gift ever. After my appointment, I literaly came home and crashed. Got up long enough to eat a little soup, and plan on heading back to my bed here shortly. Those cancer cells suck the living life right out of you.

2010-01-05T17:21:00.000-06:00

Today was another yucky day. I had to go get my booster shot (that boosts my white blood count) and get an IV of fluids to help flush the chemo through. I got really queezy and shaky while I was there, but realized that I just needed to eat something. Mike ran out and got me some soup, and they gave me a shot to help with the queeziness, and I was much better. I'm just going to have to start carrying crackers or snack bars with me to snack on when I start feeling that way. Needless to say I didn't make it work like I had hoped. Instead I came home and crashed on the couch with Emmy. Tomorrow I have a long day, as I plan on going to work in the morning, then I go meet with the radiation oncologist to start getting that process rolling, then off to the dentist with Jess in the late afternoon. I'll be so ready for bed by the time I get home. The hair is pretty much gone, except for a few peach fuzzies, so my head gets cold if I don't have my hats on.

2010-01-05T07:17:00.000-06:00

2nd Chemo yesterday didn't go as good as I hoped. Towards the end of my fluids I started getting pains in my chest/rib area and a headache again. They think the chest/rib pains might be reflux, so I am taking Zantac to see if that helps, along with the anti-nausea medicine. It was a much longer day than I thought it would be too ... 9:00 am to about 5:30 pm. I basically came home and ate a little something and went to bed to watch tv for a little while and crashed about 8:00 pm. I have to go back this morning to get my white blood count booster shot and a bag of fluids, in hopes of not having another issue like last time. I'm trying to keep the faith, but boy it gets hard when you feel like shit. I should be meeting with the radiation oncologist this week to get that process started, so by the time I'm ready for my next chemo, I should be starting the radiation process, which should last about 6 weeks.

2010-01-02T15:21:00.000-06:00

Quiet day. Feeling good. Enjoying doing nothing. Gearing up for next chemo on Monday. Waiting for Jess and my dad to arrive tomorrow. Loving being home with Mike and kids. It's all good!

2010-01-01T08:42:00.000-06:00

I'm a little behind on my Christmas update, but better late than never, right?

Christmas was amazing this year. After 5 days in the hospital, I felt really good and was able to enjoy the time with my family.

Christmas Eve we went to church and then off to Mike's aunts house for our annual tamale dinner and gift opening. It was good to see everyone and to watch the kids opening their gifts.

Christmas morning we woke up and had our Christmas here with the kiddos, then off to my brother's to celebrate with my family. As usual, Whan created an amazing feast for us to eat. All that was missing was Scott :-( We played some Trivial Pursuit and just chilled all afternoon. Then off to Mike's mom's house for some more gift opening and food with his family. Needless to say, I was stuffed and exhausted by the end of the night.

The day after Christmas we all had a movie day. Mike went to see Avatar with his brothers, mom and Max, Jess went to see it with my parents and I took Emmy to see the Chipmunks movie. Good day, then home to just chill the rest of the night.

Sunday ... I was whooped and pretty much rested and slept all day.

Here's a couple shots of the kiddos opening their gifts. Unfortunately, Jess was not cooperating on the picture taking, so I have nothing of her (turkey butt).

Before the madness started...

Emmy loaded up on Pet Shop toys

Max loaded up on Bionicles and Legos

And Lucky had fun playing with all the paper

2010-01-01T08:24:00.000-06:00

It's a new year and a new look on life. I feel good today and am looking forward to spending a day with my family. I'm going to conquer this shitty disease and I'm going to be better for it when it's all said and done. It's taught me and my family alot about each other and has brought us so much closer. We still have a difficult road ahead these next two months as I continue with the chemo and start the radiation, but I know that we will get through it.

I know I have said this many times before, but I'm going to keep saying it... Thank you to all of my friends and family for all of the support that you have given to us during this difficult time. You have all been so amazing with your prayers, hugs, well wishes, food, cards and just knowing you are there if/when we need you. We have been so blessed to have so many special people in our lives. We love you all and are very greatful.

Happy, Healthy, Prosperous New Year to you all!

2009-12-31T16:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I think, was my 2nd worst day (my trip to the emergency room was the worst day). My head was pounding all day, I was queezy, exhausted and my hair was coming out in chunks. So, I'm almost bald today. I've got some great hats to wear though, so I'll at least be styling while I am bald.

Today is much better. I'm not as tired and my headache isn't as bad. I had a good visit at the doctor today. She has decided to just do one of the three chemos on Monday, since she doesn't know which one of the other two caused my colitis issue. However, she does want to start me on the radiation right away. I'll go visit with the radiation oncologist next week, and will get the process started, but it takes a couple of weeks to get set up. I will do the one chemo medicine every three weeks until I finish my radiation, which will last about 6-7 weeks ... 5 days a week. Ughhh. Fun!

Louise was sweet enough to come over yesterday and take down all of my Christmas stuff for me and clean up the house. I felt horrible that I was lying on my ass while she worked hers off, but it was so nice when it was all done. All that's left now is to move everything up to the attic and out of our foyer and take the lights down outside.

Going to dinner a little and then home to watch the kids do a few sparklers to bring in the New Year.

Happy New Year everyone! This is going to be a great year. I'm going to fight this cancer and I'm gonna get my hair back and I'm going to be healthy again real soon. And my family will be stronger for it on the other side.